Saying 'no'

[wood_elf]

Hi all. Knitting etiquette question.

I recently made myself a shawl (see here). It's green and spiky and I love it quite a lot.

Was wearing it today and a person (nice person, want to remain on good terms with this person) also liked it a lot and asked me to knit her one. She was serious about this and offered to buy yarn for it there and then.

I want to say 'no' because I don't want to spend another month knitting the exact same pattern in the same yarn. I don't get as much knitting time as I would like (I mainly knit while commuting), and would rather use the time I have selfishly on projects of my choosing.

This person is very generous and has given me yarngifts in the past (she knits herself, so must understand the time and work involved). I don't want to say 'no' but I really don't want to knit a shawl for her. Any ideas how to proceed while maintaining a good relationship?

There may be an obvious gracious solution I'm overlooking but can be a bit socially clueless at times.

Comments

[twistedchick]

"I'm very sorry, but I don't have time/energy to devote to this right now because of XXX..."

"I'm very sorry, but I have some projects of my own that have to take priority right now..."

[uninvitedcat]

Would it be worth softening the above suggestion by offering the pattern (or a link to the pattern source if it's paid-for) so this nice person can knit it for themself?

[wood_elf]

That is a good point; it's a pay pattern but I could definitely link to it.

[peaceful_sands]

Another suggestion would be (and this depends on the determination of the person asking on whether it will work or not) to say that you have a number of other projects that you need to finish before you could possibly consider taking on something like that (and by giving a date off-puttingly far into the future before you can embark on the project, most people are deterred and will either forget about it or see if they can borrow a pattern from you, if they're knitters themselves). I've used it accidentally myself (in the sense of I didn't mind the projects I was being asked to do, but quite genuinely had other gift things that needed to be finished first! The people asking had lost interest or never came back to me about the project they'd been interested in at the time).

Or you could try saying that you don't like doing the same project in the same yarn back to back as it takes away the enjoyment? Is it that you don't want to make a shawl at all, that particular shawl or that yarn? Would you be interested if you could use a different pattern or a different yarn? If that were the case you could say that to the person.

[wood_elf]

I wouldn't mind re-doing the pattern again (there are parts I think I could do better second time round) but not immediately after I've knitted it first time - it is quite repetitive.

I wouldn't mind making her something, but not this, not right now. Also it's my boyfriend's mum and there's possibly a dimension of commitment phobia that I wasn't considering, ie if I have knitted her something I am a serious longterm fixture with her son.

Maybe time out the four other pojects I'm working on and give an estimate several months away - if she is still keen then, I might be more okay with the idea.

[pinesandmaples]

My standard reply: "I'm flattered that you like it so much! It was a lot of fun to knit, but I don't take commissions. Knitting is my hobby, and I try really hard to keep it that way. Without knitting, I might go crazy!"

Then I take their preferences into account and consider making something similar for them as a gift for the next gift-giving holiday.

[thistleingrey]

IME this one doesn't work well when talking to another knitter (or crocheter). YMMV, of course; perhaps it's my tone of voice!

[pinesandmaples]

Oh, the line for another knitter is always, "Let me write down the pattern and designer! If you have any questions about the pattern, I'm glad to help you out. It's a great pattern, even though x part was a little tricky." Then I pull out a piece of paper and actually write down the pattern info for the other knitter.

[wood_elf]

Her birthday is Nov/Dec I believe - perhaps could make polite excuses this time then knit one for then. Plenty of time to re-acquire love for the pattern.

I just need to learn alternative 'no' words that don't sound all confrontational :)

[indeliblesasha]

I would try "I would love to! But I have some projects that need to be finished before I add another and it would be a long time before I could get to it. Would you like the pattern so you can do it quicker?"

Good luck :)

[ironed_orchid]

That would be my approach. And it's true! I always have a bunch of things on the go.

[minxy]

I would reply (if it's honest, my delivery is pants if it's not real), that I'm usually burnt out on a project right after I finish it, but might be game some time in the future. Then I offer the pattern if it's another knitter, or a ballpark of when they can check with me again if they're still interested. For me, this is very much related to the project, and not what else I have on the needles. FWTW.

Good luck! Mother's-of-SIGs are tricky...

[wood_elf]

That sounds like a good approach and is pretty close to honest about how I feel about it (do not want to pick up 250-odd border stitches again ever for a good while yet).

[indywind]

Fine suggestions in comments above.

I only want to say: It is always polite to simply say No.
It is not impolite or ungracious to say no without giving an explanation or excuse. It's not impolite or ungracious to just say no, without softening the no with a "maybe later" or an offer of something else. A way to make refusal gentle and gracious is to thank the person for the compliment of their interest, and pay them the return compliment of expecting them to be a kind-intentioned and well-mannered person who can accept a No. Adding an apology is polite, and recommended especially if you do feel regret: "I'm sorry but no," or "I'd rather not, sorry," or "I regret that I won't be able to" etc. Adding explanation is not necessarily bad-- it may help the other person understand your reasons and accept them agreeably, OR they may see it as an invitation to try to change your mind-- but regardless, explanation is not required for politeness or kindness.
Then, how the other person responds is up to them.
If they cannot accept a plain polite No without arguing, wheedling, or taking offense, it is they who are being impolite. It takes two to maintain a good relationship.

This is the case regardless what favor is being requested, how knowledgeable the other person is or isn't about the effort or difficulty involved, and regardless of of what kindnesses or gifts they've given previously.

I think this important to repeat, to counter the many repetitions of the opposite message, that saying No about anything is only OK if one does it in some special way that keeps the other person from minding.

[geeksdoitbetter]

hooray for clarity, sincerity and brevity

all hail the mighty, "no"

[kuri]

I usually offer to teach the person how to knit so they can make it themselves. I'm at a point in my career where my time is worth a bit more than money, so I couldn't take knitting requests even if I wanted to.